The last time we left the cleverly edited scrapbook that is Teen Mom OG, Maci was waiting for a proposal, Amber was getting married, Catelynn had gotten married (mazel, girl!), and Farrah had shoved a producer because she didn't want crew members pooping in her house like actual people (I think. All I really remember is her screaming a lot and shoving people, but since that's her M.O. in general, I can't quite remember the context.) We all wondered whether Farrah would be back, and because the gods are benevolent (and MTV knows we're all watching the show for her bullshit anyway), she is! And she's moving to Los Angeles! And she may have been propositioned by Amber's fiancé on Twitter at some point!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm getting way ahead of myself here — kind of like Farrah did when she absolutely spoiled the hell out of the horror movie she was starring in (badly). So before I accidentally spill the beans that Amber's fiancé is a total creeper who tried to get with Farrah and Jenelle before he finally found the love of his life, let's just stop for a second and be happy about the fact that this show is airing once again.

Let's check out the most important stuff that happened.

Maci

We start with Maci because — and this is a compliment to the Teen Mom with the most kids — she's just kind of living her life in a totally normal way that doesn't need to be televised and seems more like a control for the other wackiness that goes on on this show more than anything else.

Last season, Maci wanted to be married, but her boyfriend Phil Robertson (that's just what we're going to call Taylor from now on because of that beard) didn't know if he was ready to pop the question, despite the fact that the pair already have a child together, live together, and own a business together. He needed an escape hatch, you know? Anyway, Phil decided to just get it over with on the premiere and proposed to Maci in the most romantic way possible — with a camera crew around, and a lot of stuttering and stammering. Also, he looked terrified before, during, and after. I think he loves Maci, but it's clear ol' Phil is worried about something.

Soon after everyone oohed and aahed over Maci's engagement ring, she started complaining she looks fat (she doesn't, in the least) and began looking for a gym to join. But wait, could there be another reason Maci is gaining some weight? Could she be … 25 and Pregnant? *Insert ooh noises here.*

Yep, Maci's pregnant with her third child! This, in itself, isn't anything extraordinary, but we have to talk about the fact that she wasn't expecting to be pregnant, but just had a pregnancy test in her bathroom ready and willing to be peed on. What's going on, Maci? Are you always prepared now? This is a question I need an answer to, but since Maci hasn't tweeted me back (this is how all journalists get their scoops by the way), I'm just going to assume after getting pregnant at 16, she knows anything is possible and just keeps a supply of tests handy. In any case, congratulations, Maci! You are the best mom on this show, and I hope nothing exciting ever happens to you. (Also: Ryan still sucks. Sorry.)

Catelynn

Do you love Catelynn? You should, because she's the literal best (and looks like she gives really good hugs). And she's also the realest mom on this entire show, spending a great deal of her screen time giving us a glimpse into what it's like to be someone struggling with depression and trying anything to get better — even talking to Dr. Drew, who is the worst (well, behind Gary Shirley).

On this episode, Catelynn and Tyler discussed her depression, Tyler made fun of Catelynn's weight (although both he and Catelynn have made it clear on social media that's just how they joke, and that editing is a bitch), Tyler and Catelynn discussed having a bigger family, and the couple purchased a house — for $93,000, so let's all move to where they're living. Also, Catelynn mentioned Weight Watchers enough times that I'm pretty sure she's getting an endorsement deal with them as soon as this episode is over. Whatever, you do what you need to, girl!

It's clear the headlines coming out after this episode will be all about how mean Tyler was about Catelynn's weight, but, while the body-shaming sucks, what's worse is how vulnerable Catelynn tried to be with Dr. Drew in a moment of crisis and how unhelpful he was. The first thing he asked Catelynn when she called him in desperation was whether she was still on camera. Catelynn mistakenly believed he didn't want her to be to respect her privacy, but Dr. Drew just wanted to be reassured the conversation they were having would be taped. You know what? That. Is. Terrible.

For all the sound bites the moms give about how much Dr. Drew knows them, it's very clear he hasn't actually ever talked to them off-camera, nor does he have any idea of their histories. In a short "assessment" that Dr. Drew performed to get at Catelynn's symptoms, he (and the audience) learned for the first time she smokes weed up to two times a day — Catelynn, she's just like us! — was verbally abused by her mother and her mother's boyfriends growing up (stop with the fat-shaming, Tyler!), and used to cut herself to get through her trauma. What's even more heartbreaking is that Catelynn knows she's prone to postpartum depression, and that's something she has to consider if she wants to grow a bigger family. I'm hoping she figures it out. It seems like she has a lot of support from her therapist and from Tyler, despite his less-than-positive ribbing. We're all pulling for you, Catelynn.

Amber

Last season: Amber and Matt were thinking about getting married, and Gary Shirley was terrible.

This season: Amber and Matt have called off their wedding, and Gary Shirley, surprise, is still the worst human on television. In fact, my notes about him literally read, "Gary Shirley is the physical embodiment of the literal worst," and I will stand by that until I die! Also: Both Gary and Amber need to stop talking about how horrible the other is in front of Leah. She's never going to grow up to be a well-adjusted adult if all she knows is parents who gossip about each other.

None of the above, however, is as important as the revelation that Matt, Amber's fiancé and the alleged father of seven children, is nothing but a dirty fame hound who's only with Amber because he wanted to get with a star on Teen Mom. It's actually really creepy, because it turns out that before he and Amber got together (after meeting on Twitter), Matt had tried to slide into Farrah's and Jenelle Evans's DMs for some flirty conversation.

That's bad enough — along with the fact that he's older than all these women by two decades — but, according to Amber, he lied to her about not being a fan of the show. The guy was a total fan! And now he's on the show he was a fan of! That's weird! And bad! And Amber should break up with him immediately. But she doesn't, she just calls off their engagement. Here's hoping that she's just lowering our expectations until she can safely kick him out of the house and move on with her life. It's sometimes hard to remember this show isn't (completely) scripted, so once I realized this was Amber's life for real, I felt really bad for her. Because Amber deserves better. She deserves better than Gary Shirley, and she deserves better than Matt. And she deserves better than getting love advice from Farrah.

Wait, love advice from Farrah? Yep, you read that right! After it's discovered that Matt had been trying to flirt with the other Teen Mom stars, Amber actually called Farrah to discuss it. In a rare coherent moment, Farrah even gave her some good advice. That advice? Ease on down that road, girl! Don't look back! She's got a point.

Need more proof re: Matt's awfulness? Turn on your DVR, and check out the scene in which he's getting tattooed. Not only does the artist call him out for meeting Amber on Twitter, but Matt pushes the cameras away when showing her a tat he wants covered up. That tat? A Twitter handle. Whose Twitter handle? I don't know, you tell me. Also: Any dude who's getting Twitter handles tattooed on himself — especially in his 40s — is absolutely suspect. Can't wait to see where this is going. Can you?

Farrah

And now we come to Farrah, the woman we've all been dying to see again since last season. The good news is she's back and trying harder than ever to make it seem like she and the producers are totally OK. In fact, she had Larry Musnik on her podcast just to show there were no hard feelings. And she even took a totally-not-fed by producers call from an angry woman who thought it was inappropriate for Farrah to be on a show about teen moms because she had done porn (why?). Fortunately, Farrah clears it all up by informing the caller it wasn't porn but a "celebrity sex tape," and then responds to the caller's admonition to "have fun on her back" by saying, "and on my knees." Actually pretty funny! Points for Farrah.

Less funny: Farrah's mom has a few words to say to Simon, who not only hasn't asked Farrah to marry him (nor paid her back for the ring he designed for her) but allegedly posted pictures of Debra's mug shot online after she accused him of possibly being abusive.

In the middle of Sophia's 7th birthday party — because, whatever, why should she get one day to celebrate? — Debra actually pulled Simon away to pick a fight with him. You knew it was going to be bad when Debra responded to Simon's "nice to see you" with an "I don't think so," but it only got worse when the two had a drunken one-on-one in which they just yelled over each other about who's got Farrah's back and who the prettiest princess is. Or at least that's what it sounded like. The entire time you could tell everyone at home was just shouting, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, DEBRA?" at the TV. And then we all yelled it again when Debra tried to reconcile with Simon by responding to his compliment about a sauce she made by telling him it meant a lot because "Indians make a lot of sauce." *Crickets.*

Can we get a clean-up in aisle Debra? Because it's just messy up in here.

I rooted for Debra all of last season, but it seems it may be a good idea for Farrah to peace out to L.A. for a while — she claims to be moving, although she won't settle for any house with room in the garage for fewer than six cars — even if it does mean getting an au pair to stay with Sophia while Farrah conducts all her business. This is going to be a good season!

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