Because she's been there and done that, literally, former Bachelor contestant/tear fountain Ashley Iaconetti is recapping this season of The Bachelor for Cosmopolitan.com. With insider insight as well as a clear eye for what's going down both infront of and behind the cameras, read on for her thoughts.
Can you believe I made my Bachelor debut three years ago on Chris "Prince Farming" Soules's season and some how y’all still haven’t gotten rid of me yet? I’m excited to be back recapping Arie’s season of The Bachelor, which in my opinion started off a little stale last night. We have some vibrant female characters — ain't that what it’s all about?! — but a very stiff Bachelor. And not like... fantasy suite stiff. Zing!
Full disclosure: I was into Arie's casting, at least at first! I thought it would be nice to revisit with someone who didn’t sign up for the show in the age of social media ads and to be really frank, back then when the news was first announced I wanted to get to know Peter (wink wink) without having to go on the show again.
That said, the premiere had me wishing Peter was the salt and pepper bro standing up on that wet driveway with his roses. Maybe Arie was just nervous? Maybe we'll move past the race car driver puns in a few weeks? And maybe hopefully he'll find someone, fall madly in love and marry them this year so poor Sean and Catherine (the only couple to ever wed from The Bachelor, unless you count Mesnick... and let's not?) don’t have to come back for the premiere episode pep talk for the 5th year in a row.
As usual the contestants' introduction packages and limo exits are painfully full of cliches — I can't pretend I remember most of them or even that I can tell half the women apart. I seriously want someone to be like, “I want brands to send me clothes for free and if Arie’s my soulmate, even better!” (You know that's what a bunch of them are thinking, and there's no shame in that either.)
Two women stood out to me as this season's shit-stirrers though — and I don’t know spoilers, you guys, I’m just as scholar of this show. I know the formula by heart! And go figure, they're both involved in some dramz already. Krystal, the online fitness coach whose voice Arie finds "soothing," strikes me as the sultry, confident girl who will cast a spell on Arie so well that he will be blind to others concerns — at least through episode 5 or 6! Chelsea, the 29-year-old "mysterious" mom, is the premiere episode's "time stealer," even after spending half the night complaining that someone else had cut her makeout moment with Arie short. And she got the "first impressions" rose, so yeah, that storyline is going to run. (Chelsea also seems like no fun, but that’s just my opinion based on her edit.)
A few other notable ladies: Tia, who I will be calling Raven 2.0, seems genuinely like a kind girl’s girl. She had one of the funniest entrances of the night when she handed Arie a little wiener and said, “I hope you don’t already have one of these.” (She’s from Wiener, Arkansas.) He didn’t seem amused, though, which made me sad.
There's Marikh, who may take the Kardashian lookalike cake from me, runs an Indian restaurant with her mom, and delivered a solid line when she said, “I have a lot of spice in my life, but I could use some salt and pepper.” Again, Arie didn’t take the bait. And then there's Jacqueline, who came in with gusto telling Arie she was expecting a guy named Peter to be standing in his place... yeah, no laughs there either. Also, Bekah, who finally got Arie’s engine running (haha, I can play!) when she pulled up in a classic cherry red convertible and a sassy opener: “I may be young, but I can appreciate something classic.” This girl is natural beautiful and seems to have an I-give-zero-fucks personality; when Arie asks if she’s into him during their one-on-one time, she said, “So far, yes.” as if it wasn’t a given that she’d crush on him just because he’s The Bachelor. I feel like Arie’s gonna dig her.
There's also a parade of four Laurens (well, three after tonight), and the girl who had Arie smell her arm pit, asking if it was the best “pit stop” of his life, womp womp. And the girl who gave Arie a foot rub! (He didn't like it.)
There's Annaliese, who arrived wearing a bank robber-style mask paying tribute to Arie being known as the "kissing bandit." There's one of the Brittanys, who races Arie in little toy cars — she wins, and her prize is a kiss.
And Amber, a professional spray tanner who tells Arie she's seem a lot of dicks in her line of work, and hopes Arie isn’t another one. She goes home after that line, which wow?!
At the rose ceremony, Arie also eliminates — deep breath now, because the first night is a rose petal bloodbath — Ali, Bri, Brittane, Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha, and Olivia. Now, we learned Arie had apparently met Jessica’s dad before he passed away; she was hopeful that Arie would be her husband (even given the show's track record), because it meant she'd have ended up with a man who was "dad approved." I wish Arie would have given her at least one more week after she shared this story with him — it was such a personal conversation to have night one and I think it would have been nice for her to get more of a chance.
Next week, Arie’s taking the wheel! (What?! His words, not mine!) And also, tears! You knew they were coming...
