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Everything came to a head on Siesta Key’s summer finale. Alex tried and failed to win Madisson’s love, Kelsey realized that she’d made a huge mistake dropping a guy with an eight-pack and a heart of gold for a guy with a boat, and Juliette decided that she wasn’t ready to dive in with Garrett, after all.
Elsewhere, Pauly Paul proved once again that he was a miserable person and #bradisson surprised all of us when they took home the trophy for "most authentic couple on a reality show airing at the 10 p.m. slot on Monday nights," and Chloe finally had enough and ran out of Alex’s pool party when no one would defend her against the fat jokes Siesta Key’s answer to Macklemore was slinging her way.
Cosmo caught up with proud new dad Spencer Pratt to get his thoughts on everything that went down. "Only Siesta Key could have me leave my newborn baby," he said. "If I didn't know it’d been extended, I’d be so emotional."
On Juliette’s narration
"Whoa! I forget what Chloe even did to have Juliette hit her like 'Chloe’s the biggest loser in the whole town! No friends! She thought she had so many friends! But she's realizing she's not even in the group. Nyah nyah!' It's so mean. It was too much for me. I was all 'This is good, I like her voice, this is nice,' and then I was like 'This kind of seems like her burn book. That shit from Mean Girls? She's reading out of her burn book. 'Chloe is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.'"
On Kelsey’s mom
"Kelsey's run out of guys to film scenes with. She's not with Garrett. She's not about to go on a date with Pauly Paul yet. The only people left are Judy and her mom. I think Kelsey’s mom is on her own trip. She’s out here showing bra straps and shit. I was like 'Whoa, mom! You know you're filming today!' The mom just feels very enabler: 'You do whatever you want. We need to win at all costs.' She reminds me of Dina Lohan. She loves filming scenes as much as Kelsey. I bet she calls Dina Lohan for tips on how to direct Kelsey. She needs advice to make sure Kelsey doesn't pull a, what's Lindsay's sister's name? Make sure she doesn't pull an Ali Lohan."
On Alex's newfound wildlife conservation obsession
"I think they're trying to reinvent his image before the new season. He seems like he was reading from the notes app on his phone. Homie, what are you talking about? The manatees? I've seen this shit you get up to on Instagram. And now we're going to talk saving manatees? Please. No one believes a word you're saying. And now you’re talking about vegetation like you're the mayor of The Key? Dude, you're the spoiled rich kid with a boat."
"And him picking up garbage? Come on. He couldn't even throw the garbage away. 'I'll just leave this right here for my maids to get.' Commit if you're going to do it. Don't bring it up to your deck for someone else to clean up."
"Let's just keep Alex who he is. No one’s going to start liking Alex for his charitable personality. We already know you had a great speech about autism this season, homie. Got Kelsey to come up 'to change' in your room because it was so good. We all want to donate to Autism Speaks now. Quit while you're ahead."
On Madisson
"She's like that movie Blast From the Past. She just came out of a bunker with the homeboy Brendan Fraser wearing that Delia's choker. She definitely doesn't act or dress like a girl that's 22 in 2017. I guess if you're always just reading engineering books and shit you're probably missing the latest trends."
On Madisson putting Alex in his place when he asked to get back together
"My favorite moment of the whole season was how Madisson checked Alex. Didn't even humor him. Didn't even say, like, 'You're so sweet, I don't know, I'm confused.' It was just BOOM! I honestly think this is the first time Alex has been curved so hard. That's how your law career's gonna be, Alex. That was the prosecutor and you're the defense and she just destroyed your whole case. Boom! Thrown out of court."
"He thought she'd at least kinda play along. He was begging her to. He was all 'I'll marry you.' If you're going to go that far, you'd better pull out a $100,000 engagement ring. All sparkles. Confuse her eyeballs a little bit. Nothing else is gonna make up for your personality. If you're gonna do the marriage pitch with no ring, better keep it moving."
On Madisson breaking the "rich guy gets the girl" trope
"I hope young girls everywhere see this scene and remember it. This is what girl power really looks like. It's about being yourself and not falling for a dude who's not good for you just because he's got a boat and thinks you should be together. Major props to Madisson. She's a role model."
On Alex’s narcissism
"Why's Alex telling Madisson about all the boxes she checks off? [puts on goofy voice to impersonate Alex] 'You like the Key and you're like smart and I want a smart kid and I need smarter genes for my kid because you know I'm not that smart.'"
"What about Madisson? What does she get? What he needed to say was, 'I blew it 8 years ago. I think about you every day. I don't deserve someone as good as you. Watching you with Brandon has shown me how much I truly care about you. Being with these other girls this summer has made me realize how much I love you and what a great thing we have. I know I've been a piece of shit this summer, but you make me want to be better.' You need some fucking Ne-Yo level lyrics here. Ne-Yo 2009. 2008 Ne-Yo."
On Alex’s breakup techniques
"I'll never forget the rest of my life how Alex did Kelsey. Like, 'Yeah, I can't date you.' When he hit her with that on the beach? I was like 'Whoa!'"
"Why can't we all just have a nice end of the party? You're gonna hit her with that wording? Like 'You're not good enough for me'? Really? It was actually good for Kelsey because it made me have sympathy for her. Like, man, this girl fell in love with what she thought was Prince Charming and all of a sudden she realized it was that dude from Game of Thrones that cut someone's dick off.
"He's very emotionless. It's like 'Do I want a burrito or tacos?' How are you gonna get mad? It's like he's ordering Mexican food, so getting angry at him makes you look like the crazy one. It's next level."
On Brandon’s playlist for Madisson
"I couldn't believe that Brandon didn't play a song he wrote for Madisson on the beach. That was your time, bro! That made me think that the producers made him play that Shawn Mendes song. It was some MTV 2017 TRL 'look, we're organic with our music on reality television' bullshit. The Brandon I know? He would have played something written by him for acoustic guitar chronicling their relationship from the day they met on the pier to them discussing race on the pier. That was your chance, bro."
"Actually, I bet he did play her a song that he wrote. He was too excited about playing that song. There's no way he's all excited to play Shawn Mendes. And it was the perfect fucking song for the scene right after Alex. Madisson looked real uncomfortable, so maybe she was all 'Oh my god, here he is again, trying to bump his shit in our scene.' It was the same face she gave him when he played her his music last time and she's not giving him that face with Shawn Mendes. Girls love Shawn Mendes."
"That was definitely Brandon's song that didn't make the cut. MTV probably got an angry letter from his mom like 'Stop enabling him! He needs a J-O-B! He needs to go to college!' Kelsey and Brandon need to go to the same college, help each other through, be study buddies, and then work on their art after they graduate."
On Kelsey and Garrett’s awkward pool party conversation
"When Kelsey was like 'I don't know: Should I model or go to college?' I'm screaming at my iPhone like, 'You're going to college! Go to college! Major in communications! Go!' We know you're a model, girl. You've said so every episode since the premiere. We haven't seen you anywhere — Don't @ me, Kelsey's mom — but we know you're a model. And Garrett with his website. She's all 'Am I on it?' She's been waiting for this site to drop like it's the September issue of Vogue. I at least thought it would be a nice photo spread of her in a bikini hitting some kettle bells. But it's just her testimonial. Congrats on your Blurb, Kelsey."
On Juliette
"Juliette is deep. I've always said that she's the Jennifer Love Hewitt [in Heartbreakers] of this show. And that's a deep character. Her two sidekicks, though. I don't know if it's editing or if it takes them ten minutes each to get out a word but those three girls can't play 'Words With Friends,' I'll promise you that."
"Juliette’s a very honest character. From the first scene at the pool party, she’s been flagrant about her bitchy attitude. I'll never forget her sitting right next to Madisson being all 'Should I say hiiiii to heeeeer?' That's like the scene of the season. She's sitting right next to her! She's like a character from Bring It On 2."
"I’m not worried about her, though. Juliette’s going to Survivor or The Bachelorette. If she's not on The Bachelor in two years, then she has bad management and should fire Brandon."
On Pauly Paul and Chloe’s relationship
"I loved that shot of Pauly standing on the pier. I thought it was going to go right into him rapping and it was going to be a music video shoot and Alex was going to be filming it, so it kind of disappointed me when Chloe walked out and it wasn't the set of his redemption shoot."
"I appreciated the effort he put into talking to Chloe. Usually pieces of shit don't even try, so props to him for owning that he's terrible. Chloe should have just gone 'thank you.' I think if Chloe had just accepted that apology, he wouldn't have hit her with more fat jokes at the pool party. I think that was his way of saying 'are we gonna be cool? Because if not, I'm gonna keep talking shit to you, bitch.'"
"That's not fair, but if Chloe wants to neutralize shit and move on, she could have faked it. She didn't need to go in on him and say that he needed to go to rehab. Hell yeah, she was right, but that's like saying 'Pauly, you need oxygen to breathe.' Duh, homie needs to go rehab."
On what Chloe should do
"Chloe needs to either neutralize Pauly Paul or gangster up. Like get into Pauly Paul's face and say 'You're a piece of shit wanna-be rapper coke addict, get your fucking life together, stop taking it out on my looks. You look like shit, you fat fuck, where do you get off? No girls like you!' She should have just gone in on him like Eminem. Really show him how this rap game is played."
"I know Chloe's got it in her. It makes me think she really does care what Pauly thinks about her and they really do have some strong past history. She truly seems emotionally affected by this loser talking shit about her. I could see if this was Alex, 'cause he's the cool rich guy but like WHO CARES what Pauly thinks about you? You need to go in on this guy."
"And no one defends her. Because that clique is so superficial. I think they really are that horrible of people that they'd judge someone for what they deem as being overweight and think it's a bad look. I don't think they wanted a non-skinny chick at their pool party. She does stand out. She's not rail-thin like their whole clique. If they knew why she left, why didn't they say anything before she took off?"
"Dude, I almost wish Pauly had been jumped with Alex by whatever put that dude in the hospital. I definitely have times when I'm an asshole, but I'm never fat-shaming my alleged homegirls."
On Garrett moping about Kelsey to Juliette
"She really went therapist on Garrett when he was moping about Kelsey on their date. Where's the Juliette that we want? The one who should have smacked Kelsey's hand away when she tried to talk to Garrett last week? Where's the Juliette that's got some swag? She should have just been 'Listen, dude, I'm way better than Kelsey. If you don't see that, I shouldn't be sitting next to you on the beach.'"
"Why isn't Juliette hanging out at Judy's lifeguard tower with the hot lifeguard that I'm sure is somewhere on that beach? Why is she wasting time with Garrett if he's just going to mope about the girl that cheated on him while Juliette’s trying to get romantic?"
"I think she’s trying to balance coming off likable because she sees what's happening with Kelsey. It's a dangerous line to walk on a reality show because if you keep it too real it could cause problems. In real life, I think Juliette would have said 'Listen, nerd, you're so lucky I even fake-kissed you.'"
On whether Garrett and Kelsey are getting back together
"One hundred percent. I think Kelsey has realized that she needs a guy that kisses her feet and she doesn’t want to play 'Am I a hot enough supermodel for the rich guy?' You've got to have Juliette confidence to deal with guys like Alex. Juliette couldn't care less that Alex dissed her. She's like 'there's bigger boats in the Key, player.' Whereas Kelsey, that affected her for real. She was just so weird about the whole thing that it must have been confusing to her."
On Pauly Paul’s eternal bachelorhood:
"I don't understand why not one girl, even for scenes, won't pretend like they're gonna hook up with Pauly Paul, the hot rapper of The Key. That's such a no-brainer to get on this show. Is that how bad Pauly Paul is? That no girl even wants to pretend date him to be on MTV?"
[Would you do it, Spencer?]
"DUH! I'd pretend date anyone to be on Siesta Key. MTV is MTV. There are harder roles that people play."
On that last shot of Kelsey on the beach
"Why is Kelsey rubbing the dirtiest wall in Siesta Key? You know homeless people just pissed on that wall."
On who beat up Alex
"I hope It was a shark."
On what will happen in season two
- "Wouldn't it be amazing if Brandon had beat up Alex? In a perfect world, it would have been Brandon beating up Alex for being a shady snake homie that keeps coming after his girl. That didn't happen. It was probably an angry manatee that doesn't want Alex claiming them."
- "I think Madisson and Brandon are the realest thing on the show, which is so scary. I think Chloe's going to have her bikini comeback body and an attitude and just go in on Pauly Paul and make him really go to rehab."
- "I think Kelsey and Garrett are going to start robbing banks together in a really holistic, loving way."
- "Are we really going to pretend that Alex got into law school? I want to see a real acceptance letter. I wanna call the actual law school. I don't believe it."
- "I think Amanda's going to start dating Pauly Paul. I can see her biting the bullet after seeing the $400 paid appearances that the rest of the cast is getting at the biggest bar on Siesta Key. There's more going on to Amanda than we know."
On the show’s production values
"If people weren't such haters, this show would win an Emmy for cinematography. It's as good as any hit movie dropping at Sundance."
