My birthday is coming up. For a gift, I asked my boyfriend if he would go
down on me. We've been together for almost a year and though I mentioned
something about it in the beginning of our relationship, he hasn't initiated and
I hadn't asked for it since. I'm basically under the impression that he doesn't
enjoy doing it — which is fine because I can live without it but I thought it
wouldn't hurt to ask for it as a birthday gift. However, he seemed surprised
that I was asking this "out of the blue" and got a little upset over the whole
thing and told me he'd need to think about it (which I understood and happily
gave him the time). The next day, he brought it up and said he really
disliked the thought of doing it but felt pressure to do it since I asked. I do not
want to make him do something that he sincerely does not want to do,
especially if it makes him uncomfortable, but I also can't help but feel like I'm
missing out. I'm not one to insist or plead, and though I don't need him to go
down on me, I really would like it. Do you think there's a way that I can get him
to come around?
This is a tough one: If it was the other way around and you loathed the idea of going down on him, you would hate to feel pressured to give blow jobs. On the other hand, what the fuck? It's almost never the other way around.
In any particular case, it's a personal preference. But it's almost always some dude who thinks the idea of a mouth on his private parts is fucking hot but is sure that putting his mouth on someone's private parts is going to give him cooties or make him less manly. That's not just sexist, that's a major turn-off, because what's sexy about a guy who believes in double standards in bed?
This is 2016. A woman is running for president. Beyoncé has ascended to her rightful status as America's goddess queen. Don't take this lying down — Er, well, you know what I mean.
Tell him you think it's unfair. Tell him that, perhaps you should have asked earlier, but you really want him to go down on you. And tell him that there's no pressure: You'll tell him what feels good. Let him know that you don't expect him to get you off, you just expect him to try and make you feel good.
My boyfriend doesn't have a job. I think it makes him depressed. How can I be helpful with finding him a job without hurting his pride? I have been footing the bill on a lot of things and I feel like that's hard for him too. I don't mind, but I know it makes him insecure. I just want him to be happy, but I'm not sure how to get him motivated. What can I do?
Your boyfriend's ego has surely taken a hit. So, to minimize your boyfriend's anxieties, ask lots of questions instead of pushing your own solutions on him. Help him find his way; don't pressure him to follow yours.
He's likely feeling bad enough already, so don't dwell on how broke he is and how frustrated he must be right now. Look for positives, instead of dwelling on the obvious downsides. Ask him what he wants — what kind of job, what kind of life. Talk about a better future and help him imagine it. Then get practical with him about how to achieve it, but always remember that this is his responsibility, not yours.
In the moment, I suppose it's fine to cover the dinner bill temporarily — so long as it doesn't go on too long. (I don't know how long he's been unemployed or how much you're covering. But make sure you know your own limits and don't get sucked down into his financial quicksand.) If you are helping him out, be sure to tell him that you expect he'll even it out once he gets a job, so that expectation is there. This might sound uncomfortable, but it's actually a show of respect: You're saying, I know you'll get back on your feet and pay me back soon.
Do tread carefully and protect yourself. You don't want his temporary unemployment to become a permanent fact of your life. Be careful. As much as you want to help him, the best thing you can do is to support him emotionally. You're not a career counselor, headhunter, or human-relations department. You're his girlfriend. Find some fun, affordable things to do, help him talk it out, and be there for him. But if he doesn't show signs of getting his life together, be ready to get out.
I fell in love when I was 16 and got married by 20. We are now in our seventh
year of marriage. Around the fourth year, I started thinking of divorce because my
husband was very jealous, controlling, and emotionally needy. But we had such good times together and we really
loved each other. My husband has worked through many of his issues and he now allows me freedom. He is kind, sweet, and caring and does not seem to be jealous. We get along great and have fun, and I love him and know he loves me. But I still have the thoughts about divorce often — even daily. I really, really don't want to hurt him because he tries so hard to make me happy. But I feel I got married too young and never had the chance to explore what I want in life and out of relationships. I also feel sad at the thought that I will never experience the excitement of falling in love. I don't really enjoy the sex (even though he tries really hard); it also makes me upset that I will only be with this one person forever. I am very confused because I love my husband and don't want to hurt him, but I really want to explore my sexuality and experience new things. I don't want to hurt my husband. But I also don't want to have these feelings forever. We don't have kids. Please help. I am so confused.
I can't pretend to have an easy answer for you. In fact, any answer is going to be hard. I hate it when people say to do what feels natural. Sometimes, nothing feels right and decisions don't flow easily.
You're in a seven-year marriage with a husband you love and you're unhappy. Stay and work on it, or go and start fresh — neither option is going to feel easy. Whatever you do to get your life on track, it's going to be hard. I know how confusing that can be and I hope, more than anything, that you have a good friend who loves you (or a therapist) and who you can trust to talk this through, over and over.
I don't know what you should do. I do know that you are very young and life is very damn long. You've already been contemplating divorce for nearly half of your marriage. You sound bored and unhappy. And you seem to feel very guilty because your husband is a nice, caring guy. You say twice that you don't want to hurt him.
So here's my solid advice: Do not stay with your husband because he's a good guy or because you want to save him pain. You don't get — or stay married — because someone is a good person. There's simply more to it than that. And the nicest guy in the world can make you miserable if he's not the right good guy for you. You deserve happiness. And you're thinking about divorce every day. If you feel that you "never had the chance to explore what I want in life and out of relationships," a separation might be the best thing for now: some months apart to take a deep breath and sleep in a bed of your own.
As I read your email, I was also thinking of your husband: How hard must it be for him to keep chasing you, to keep proving his love, and to keep living this marriage in fear? (Surely, he senses it even if you haven't discussed divorce explicitly.) I'm not saying you should definitely break up, but I'd like to remind you that, if you're worried about hurting your husband, a clean break is always less painful than slow, uncertain torture. For both of you.
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Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
