Converse
He’s definitely a little boyish – it just depends on HOW boyish. Men above the age of 15 who wear converse are either really sweet and a little dorky in the most endearing of ways, or they’re “nice guys” who are dorky in the least endearing of ways. There’s retaining a childlike wonder for things, and then there’s simply refusing to grow up. Only one of those requires years of your emotional labor!
Boat Shoes
Leo from Wolf of Wall Street is his secret masculinity role model and angrily insists his shorts are “salmon, NOT PINK” just so he can feel like a real man. He has trouble letting go of his college squad, even when they tell him to break up with a girl he actually likes so he can do a shotski on someone’s bunk bed and bellow into the 3am darkness before realizing the irony in feeling so utterly alone while surrounded by people. He has probably never been on a boat before.
These Moccasin-Loafer Things From Hell
Nope. I’m sorry, but no. This is absolutely a guy who is somehow always walking through a cloud of cologne and says things like “let’s network” completely in earnest. Think of your life with this man – the 20 hashtags under each rooftop Instagram selfie, the repetition of stories that start with “once I did mushrooms”, the lingering knowledge that nothing about him assures you he isn’t texting three other women.
Slip-on Vans
Despite wearing plain, laceless sneakers as an adult, his style choice has more to do with him looking chill than truly being chill. He cares about how he looks, but he also knows that if he actively starts trying to look trendy, it’ll result in 30 different Pinterest boards and still no clarity on what he wants to wear. There are so many people he’d like to be, so his canvas sneakers are literally a canvas for him to express himself through his personality. He's def got the tortured artist vibe down; he's just a little more high maintenance than you expected.
Actual Running Sneakers
Ok, to be fair, plenty of technical running sneakers look fine or even really good (dark jeans and your Nikes – look at you!). But they aren’t '80s dad-style sneaks (YOU KNOW THE ONES) paired with khakis or Levis that have obliterated all signs of a butt. That is the fullest, clearest depiction of “I’m not trying.” You kind of already know he's not going to plan a real date or go down on you for more than 45 very passive seconds. The proof is in the footwear.
Minimalist Tennies
This guy just has no time for drama. I mean, he picked a universally chill shoe that goes well with almost everything and for that reason entirely – the last thing he wants to fuss over is his look every morning. On the surface, he can come off as very serious and withdrawn (and, fashion-wise, even a little bit boring), but just get to know him, and you’ll realize he’s maybe the coolest person you’ve ever met.
Doc Martens
He’s basically Jughead from Riverdale, without any of the softness or charm. He’ll text you paragraphs about the perils of late-stage capitalism from the factory-made iPhone his parents bought him, and get mad if you point out the hypocrisy. If he has any ink, it’s a stick-n-poke he did himself after reading one book about Russian prison tats. He’ll stop talking to you out of nowhere one day, and then accuse you of breaking his heart three months later.
Oxfords (But Not With A Suit)
Oxfords But Not With A Suit Guy looks a little silly, but he means well. He wants to look well-dressed and make an effort, but also knows that button-downs are a bit much. These shoes are his compromise, and if he’s the kind of dude who’d convince himself that dress shoes can be as comfy and casual as sneakers, it just means he wants to be his best, even if literally no one asked for this. Give him a chance, and introduce him to shoes with padding.
Statement Sneakers
Chances are, if he’s wearing shoes like this, the rest of him is equally stylish. This guy is always invited to at least three notably cool things a night. Even if you consider yourself to be a relatively fashion-forward and objectively well-liked person, hanging out with him will make you suddenly so aware of the invisible-but-ever-present red wine droplet you got on your black pants earlier that night. Eventually, you’ll realize that you just can’t keep up with him and his rotating roster of exciting (and devastatingly expensive) events.
Lace-up Boots
He’s a little bit moody, he’s a little bit broody, and he will definitely have a sex playlist that reflects both those traits. You just don’t wear lumberjack-y boots if you don’t actively fantasize about living in a secluded pine forest with nothing but your whisky and a loyal retriever to keep you company. Will he let you into the musty log cabin of his heart? Time will tell. But his escapism is only romantic for like, three months before you want something more.
Whatever TF These Are
I don’t know what these are, but they’re an ungodly hybrid of at least three different shoes and I’m not here for it. I don’t think the guy wearing them secretly is either, but he probably walked into a store, was confused by these, assumed his disarray meant that these had to be high fashion, and bought them. This is a man who doesn’t know who he is or have any strong opinions, about shoes or otherwise. Eventually, if not immediately, that will drive you insane.
Flip-flops or Sandals on a Non-Sandy Surface
I’m not a monster – I will accept that flip-flops or Birkenstocks are suitable footwear for any situation where A.) you’re at high-risk for sand in your shoes or B.) you’re running from an ax-wielding B-horror-movie villain and don’t have time to wedge your feet into slip-ons. Any other time – be it in a restaurant, movie theater, or meeting my parents for the first-and-last time, means that this guy follows no rules, and not in like, a sexy James Dean way. I mean he is is on another planet, giving no f*cks. He’ll courtesy-taste $7 wine and then send it back. He'll look you dead in the eyes and say that Young Sheldon is the best show on TV right now. This is one untamed beast you want zero to do with.
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I'm a Sex and Relationships Editor for Cosmo's Snapchat Discover, which you should definitely subscribe to :).
