If you're a fan of HGTV's sweethearts Chip and Joanna Gaines from Fixer Upper, it probably came as no surprise that the couple is considering moving to New York in the future. Not only did Joanna intern in the city during college, but she and Chip also honeymooned in Manhattan — and named their firstborn child Drake after the hotel they stayed in.
But as much as I, a devout follower of the show, would love them to be in New York, I really hope this doesn't happen because the show as we know and love it would be no more. This is because real estate in New York City is the biggest joke and would break even Joanna's spirit. Here are all the bad, bad, very bad ways the show would change if it one day became Fixer Upper: NYC Edition.
1. In Waco: The show is called Fixer Upper.
In NYC: The show, tentatively retitled Sorta Fixer Upper but There's Only So Much We Can Do With That Budget, would have to be somewhere between the original Fixer Upper we all know and love and ... Tiny House Hunters. A 3,000-square-foot home? More like a 700-square-foot apartment. That you rent, not own. For the same price.
2. In Waco: The show's tagline is, "We take the worst house in the best neighborhood and turn it into our clients' dream home."
In NYC: The show's tagline would be, "We take a mouse- or roach-infested home in a not-even-slightly cool neighborhood that's probably an hour's commute away from Manhattan on the E train and turn it into something that passes inspection ... maybe." Unless the client has a million-dollar budget, there's really not much you can do to fix up a place in the city.
3. In Waco: Chip and Jo present three possible fixer-upper homes from which the couple chooses after thinking long and hard about their decision.
In NYC: The couple would want time to go over their options, to which the broker would say, "That's cute." In NYC, if you don't show up to see the space with three months' deposit in cash, a letter of recommendation from your current landlord, and a W-2 form in hand, with your other hand ready to sign a contract, someone else will most definitely get it before you.
4. In Waco: The episodes open with the Gaines kids playing outside on the farm with their farm animals.
In NYC: The episodes would open with the kids playing with all the wildlife NYC has to offer: rats and pigeons. The only horses they'd come across are the ones giving carriage rides in Central Park.
5. In Waco: Demo day is Chip's favorite day of the year.
In NYC: Chip wouldn't be allowed to tear anything down because the space they found to renovate is in a co-op building and the board said no. He can maybe add a partition wall, but only if he's sneaky.
6. In Waco: Jo loves a good open floor plan and a kitchen that overlooks the living space.
In NYC: An open floor plan will really just mean she found a studio apartment. In a studio, the kitchen overlooks the living area ... and the bedroom and the toilet.
7. In Waco: The clients get to choose one of three bonus design options with the leftover money they have from their budget.
In NYC: There would be no leftover budget because every NYC contractor goes over budget after, like, two days. No crown molding for them.
8. In Waco: Chip and his guys love to repaint the exterior of a home or redo the landscaping for some extra curbside appeal.
In NYC: Curbside appeal wouldn't matter because there's probably scaffolding around the building for ongoing construction anyway.
9. In Waco: Jo has lots of side businesses, like her cupcake shop Silos Baking Co., that they plug on the show.
In NYC: Jo would want to open a cupcake shop in an old space that used to be a takeout place but was shut down for violating health code. She would soon after learn that New Yorkers are over cupcakes and prefer gourmet doughnuts now.
10. In Waco: Chip and Jo's go-to kitchen textile is subway tile.
In NYC: Chip and Jo will have to find a new favorite kitchen backsplash material. Once you've taken enough subway rides and seen the things that go down underground, you can no longer find the beauty in subway tile. Especially not where you cook food.
11. In Waco: Chip and Jo are obsessed with shiplap.
In NYC: They would be obsessed with exposed brick. Exposed brick means you've made it (but also, often, that cockroaches can make it in to celebrate with you).
12. In Waco: Jo loves to use open shelving for kitchen storage instead of cabinets.
In NYC: Jo would discover that "open shelving" in New York means a homeowner uses a book shelf in the kitchen corner to store stuff that doesn't fit in the cabinet(s).
13. In Waco: Jo looks for good finds at local antiques boutiques and estate sales.
In NYC: Jo could go to any number of Brooklyn flea markets, but good luck finding anything more substantial than a soup spoon for her furnishings' budget. And really, really, there's no need to go thrifting when she could find pretty much anything she would need to furnish a home on the sidewalk during trash pickup day ... but she would probably have to put most of it back because it has bedbugs. She would then resort to the IKEA store in Brooklyn.
14. In Waco: Chip and Jo are always the first to welcome the happy family to their new forever home during the grand reveal.
In NYC: The couple would be sincerely grateful for the new home ... but would probably have to start looking all over again because the project took 10 months to complete, and the landlord upped the rent 30 percent for the next year. They would no longer be able to afford to stay there.
And so the cycle would begin again...
